My Pretend Life

At one time or another, I think we’ve all imagined our lives upgraded–even for a minute or two. Whether it’s that moment at the make-up counter when you pretend like you buy that ridiculously expensive lipstick every month (instead of once a year) or if you pretend that your bathroom always looks as sparkly as it does the minute after you’ve thoroughly cleaned the grout with your husband’s toothbrush. (I’ve never done it, but I’ve heard tell that an angry wife and a slightly used toothbrush really gets rid of hard water stains.)

This blog is my way of pretending to have a better culinary life than I actually do. Yes, I really cook the recipes that appear on this blog. The photographs (like you couldn’t tell) are the final products sitting on my dishes in my kitchen. But I’ve gotten a few questions lately about what I do in between forcing Paul to eat creamed peas from the 1950s and spending ludicrous buck at trendy restaurants.

Well, I’d like to keep the mystery alive. But I’m tired of being jealous of other people’s supposedly posh lifestyles so I certainly don’t want you to be jealous of my dietary habits. In all honesty, I’m not coming home from work on a Monday night and whipping up five course meals. I have a mostly exhausting job and a sometimes exhausting child. I live in fairly messy and disorganized home with my fairly messy and disorganized husband. We have an older dog who has very recently started making my entire house smell like the bottom of my child’s diaper pail. I’m living the dream in the biggest way possible, can’t you tell?

I have the same kind of life you do: Mostly day-to-day grinds with amazing moments of bliss thrown in so we don’t go completely nutters. So, back to the original question: When I’m not eating what you read on this blog, what am I eating?

Well, last week when Paul was at his evening class, I finished my son’s box of Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies for dinner. Oh, and I had a stalk of celery. That was pretty much it. There are nights when I have been known to make and eat an entire box of strawberry Jello. When Paul is here, he gets pretty cranky when he doesn’t eat an actual meal. Of course, there are nights when we need to go grocery shopping and can’t bear to order in again. That’s when we get creative with the cupboard.

Most of our concoctions come out looking like something you ate that year after you graduated from college. You know, one step above ramen noodles. Like broccoli and salsa mixed into macaroni and cheese. Or, my new favorite: Orzo with heat and serve madras lentils on top.

Just in case you thought I was lying...

I went to culinary school, so I had to garnish with a bit of blue cheese. Very fancy, wouldn’t you say?

But, yeah, don’t feel jealous that you’re not whipping up crazy culinary delights every night of the week. I ate that (and just that) for dinner once. I’m not ashamed to say I will probably eat it again sometime in the near future. Well, maybe a little ashamed… but I want to make you feel good… so, I’m throwing my disturbing dietary habits out there. Judge me. Find my real culinary life lacking… I usually do.

More in the Way of Beans

And, when last we left our intrepid heroine, she was sucking down a large bowl of lima beans. Today, you can find me Hoovering lentils. Apparently, I am bean and/or fiber obsessed.

I am a Johnny-come-lately to the magic of lentils. For years, they were just those things that swim around making soup mushy. Then, I went to Spain and had lunch with my friend’s host family. As we walked through the plaza toward their apartment, she said, “Don’t freak out. But, we’re going to have lentejas and squid in black ink sauce.”

Not to sound like a boor, I asked, “What are lentejas?” My friend looked confused. “Lentejas. You know, lentejas!” I didn’t want to point out that she was just repeating the same word over and over. Perhaps, I thought, she is so fluent in Spanish she doesn’t really know when she’s not speaking it. Needless to say, when lunch was served, I looked at my bowl and across the table to her. “Lentils. They’re lentils.” I guess she didn’t eat too many of them back home either.

But, thanks to my Frenchy style culinary school, I have a pretty great recipe for cold lentil salad. (It also tastes good warm.) What follows is my modified version. If you’re veg-friendly, just sauté with olive oil instead of the bacon.

Lentil Salad

• 8 oz green puy lentils
• 1 sprig thyme
• 1 bay leaf
• 2 oz bacon
• 1 large shallot, finely chopped
• 3 oz extra virgin olive oil
• 1 oz red wine vinegar
• Salt and pepper

Place the lentils in cold water and cook for 20 minutes with salt, thyme, and bay leaf.

In a large sauté pan, heat bacon until crispy. Remove from pan, and when cool crumble. While bacon fat is still hot, add shallot and sauté until browned.

Remove thyme and bay leaf from lentils and drain any remaining water from the pan. Add lentils to shallots. (You can use pre-cooked, frozen lentils as well. Just add them frozen to the pan once the shallots are brown.) Stir and remove from heat.

Once the lentils are cooled, add the bacon, then toss with olive oil and vinegar. Season with salt and pepper.

Results

I would eat this every day if I could. Well, I’m a grown-up so I can, but maybe it’s not that wise to eat all these beans. People might not want to be around me so much.

The recipe keeps well in the fridge and tastes delish cold, so make scads of it… then, you’ll never be without lentils.